Barrel Strength

Tiger Woods to ‘apologize’ publicly on Friday – CTV News (17 February 2010)

First of all, I want to say to my 7 iron, I know, I hurt you. I hurt you through neglect, and when I came back to you, I hurt you because my grip was wrong. We know why, we talked about it and I hope we’re all right.

Next, I want to apologize to professional golf. Listen, my income just took a hit, but you guys! Seriously, I get it. A fifty percent drop in revenue is drastic, and I hope to make it up to you. If they wanted to see the Tiger magic before, they will tune in now to see the repentent, new, post-rehab Tiger, putting more into each stroke! Oops, can I have a Mulligan on that remark? Just kidding.

Now, amateur golfers.  You take off every weekend for six, seven hours at a stretch, come back happy, sweaty, tired, a better man.  Now, she’s asking herself, where has that goofy prick been? If I blew the whistle on your part-time thing, I am truly sorry.  And I am a guy who needed that thing. Maybe together, we can work it out.

I had some other people I wanted to give a nod to – the bar-tenders, hoteliers, chauffeurs and sportswriters who protected me – enabled me, I guess – hell, cheered me on – so, guys, thanks. But it’s a new cat now.  I only purr for one kitten at a time. Seriously.

Finally, to the guys at Kwame, Feinstein and Lockyer – long days, guys, I know. But we got a deal! Don’t spend it all in one place.

Thanks, everybody, and see you on the tee. Am I forgetting anybody? No? Awright, we’re gone.

In a recent advice column the issue concerned the tolerance of the housewife for her husband’s Playboys in the living room for the children to see. You can guess the tut-tutting from those guardians of morality.  The readers were warned that dad’s Playboys might give the girls the false idea that their body image and their ability to satisfy a man sexually were of primary importance.

Well, actually…. they are. And anyone who denies it is in rampant denial fo the facts. The ability of the woman to satisfy a man sexually is absolutely primary. It is job #1. Sometimes it is the less immediate concern, such as when mum and dad are shopping for groceries, reading stories to the kids or cooking dinner. Work can interfere too. But over the long haul – especially if there is going to be a long haul – satisfying your man sexually is the job. Because if that is working out, everything else is working out.  Sex life is the measure of the relationship.

And if you disagree with me, please go live somewhere else, preferably in a convent.

The previous examples of “Hand of God” have been on shaky ground but this example might be more compelling.  An earlier article in NYT discussed how the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) was being sabotaged by its own future.  It stated the following.

A pair of otherwise distinguished physicists have suggested that the hypothesized Higgs boson, which physicists hope to produce with the collider, might be so abhorrent to nature that its creation would ripple backward through time and stop the collider before it could make one, like a time traveler who goes back in time to kill his grandfather….

This malign influence from the future, they argue, could explain why the United States Superconducting Supercollider, also designed to find the Higgs, was canceled in 1993 after billions of dollars had already been spent, an event so unlikely that Dr. Nielsen calls it an “anti-miracle.”…

Dr. Nielsen and Dr. Ninomiya have proposed a kind of test: that CERN engage in a game of chance, a “card-drawing” exercise using perhaps a random-number generator, in order to discern bad luck from the future. If the outcome was sufficiently unlikely, say drawing the one spade in a deck with 100 million hearts, the machine would either not run at all, or only at low energies unlikely to find the Higgs.

Odd as it may seem the events are starting to bear this hypothesis correct.  A Popular Science article notes the follow.

First, a coolant leak destroyed some of the magnets that guide the energy beam. Then LHC officials postponed the restart of the machine to add additional safety features. Now, a bird dropping a piece of bread on a section of the accelerator has, according to the Register, shut down the whole operation.

The bird dropped some bread on a section of outdoor machinery, eventually leading to significant over heating in parts of the accelerator. The LHC was not operational at the time of the incident, but the spike produced so much heat that had the beam been on, automatic failsafes would have shut down the machine.

Hand of God?  Only Maradona knows!

Amidst all the foofarah of Obama, world doom, and Mighty Subjects of Pressing Concern, I noted the following on Monday, November 10th, 2008. A survey of  2,360 Czech women showed that the length of foreplay was irrelevant to the number and strength of womens’ orgasms. It all depends on the quality and duration of intercourse.

Thirty-five years of feminist propaganda down the tubes. This reminds me of the old Australian joke: “What is the definition of Australian foreplay?” Answer: “Brace yourself, Sheila”.

Here is what the report said, courtesy of the Telegraph:

“In the study, reported in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, the academics quizzed a representative sample of 2,360 Czech women of all ages about details of their sex lives, including orgasmic consistency with a partner along with estimated duration of foreplay and intercourse.

“Results show that for the women in the study, the average duration of foreplay was 15.4 minutes, and intercourse, 16.2 minutes.

“The researchers point out that 16.2 minutes is considerably longer than reported in American studies, where intercourse was found to last on average seven minutes.

“They added: “It could be that this reflects, a greater appreciation of intercourse and sensuality by Europeans than by Americans.”

“The researchers looked at frequency of orgasm in the women, and foreplay and intercourse data. They concluded the links with foreplay were insignificant. Instead they suggest that the longer intercourse lasts, the greater the probability of orgasm for the women.”

Or is this the proof of Nelson’s dictum: “Never mind manoeuvres, always go straight at them”.

No definition of foreplay was supplied, so it is not possible to know what the researchers meant. But fucking them long and hard is always recommended. Sound doctrine and policy. Women appreciate the performance, it seems.

Now, back to the recession, inflation, and world doom.

Melts in your own keeper’s box, not in your hands.

Lots to be savoured in pubs in London’s West End and other fine Blue establishments elsewhere through to next Wednesday.

Because the bearded evil twin of Rafa Benitez in ours has turned Anfield into one giant Agonizer booth.

UPDATE: What weird badge of honour is there in coming back against Inter after losing out to Barnsley — 29 places below them in the League — and before that equalizing at half-time with a side 129 places below?

The only thing close to Mohamed Fayed’s heart that has been murdered is the fate of Fulham Football Club in the Premiership. And that’s no conspiracy theory: just look for the crazy rich merchant perched at Harrod’s.