Tiger Woods to ‘apologize’ publicly on Friday
February 17, 2010 Sport No CommentsBy Duggan's Dew of Kirkintilloch
Tiger Woods to ‘apologize’ publicly on Friday – CTV News (17 February 2010)
First of all, I want to say to my 7 iron, I know, I hurt you. I hurt you through neglect, and when I came back to you, I hurt you because my grip was wrong. We know why, we talked about it and I hope we’re all right.
Next, I want to apologize to professional golf. Listen, my income just took a hit, but you guys! Seriously, I get it. A fifty percent drop in revenue is drastic, and I hope to make it up to you. If they wanted to see the Tiger magic before, they will tune in now to see the repentent, new, post-rehab Tiger, putting more into each stroke! Oops, can I have a Mulligan on that remark? Just kidding.
Now, amateur golfers. You take off every weekend for six, seven hours at a stretch, come back happy, sweaty, tired, a better man. Now, she’s asking herself, where has that goofy prick been? If I blew the whistle on your part-time thing, I am truly sorry. And I am a guy who needed that thing. Maybe together, we can work it out.
I had some other people I wanted to give a nod to – the bar-tenders, hoteliers, chauffeurs and sportswriters who protected me – enabled me, I guess – hell, cheered me on – so, guys, thanks. But it’s a new cat now. I only purr for one kitten at a time. Seriously.
Finally, to the guys at Kwame, Feinstein and Lockyer – long days, guys, I know. But we got a deal! Don’t spend it all in one place.
Thanks, everybody, and see you on the tee. Am I forgetting anybody? No? Awright, we’re gone.

