Syria Slapstick

“Welcome back, folks, this is Jason Nerdly, with resident political analyst, Chris Mountebank, with another edition of ‘Drivel Fest’ on SMCBN. With the run-up to the big vote on Syria next week, the Beltway is all abuzz. We’ll be talking with some members of Congress later, but first, what’s the current state of play, Chris?”

…”Well, Jason, the president’s just back from the G20 in Tampa, er, I mean, St. Petersburg, and he had a tough sell with his Syria position. There even seems to be a problem with our oldest ally, France. Who’d have thought that they wouldn’t be up for scrap with the Bad Guys? Anyway, it’s quite possible that the French Parliament, or whatever thing they have, will vote against intervention, or as the president prefers, the projection of peace on Syria.

…”But Chris, don’t you think that a recent poll showing 68% of French voters opposed to the strike will give president Hollande cause for caution?”

…”You may have a point, Jason, but you’ve got to remember that more than 90% of French voters some time ago opposed being invaded by Germany, but look where that got them. The important thing here is how the president feels. I mean you don’t get a Nobel Peace Prize in 12 days without some pretty powerful feeling there.”

…”Well, Chris, the president looks like he could lose this in the House, do you think he could turn this around with a speech to the nation on TV?”

…”Jason, this president does rhetoric, he doesn’t give speeches. The New York Times is, I hear, holding several pages ready for his soaring, heartfelt, policy proposals for eternal peace in Syria and throughout the galaxy.”

…”Thanks, Chris, we’re joined now by two members of Congress, Cynthia Seaweed, Democratic Congressthingy from Martha’s Backyard, Massachusetts, and Republican Jake Slade from Blown Skull, Oklahoma. Let’s start with you, Cynthia. How are you going to vote next week?”

…”Thank you, Jason, it’s lovely to be here. And peace be unto you all as they say in the Middle East. We all know that there’s been some criticism of the president’s leadership qualities lately, but what we’re really seeing, I think, is a window on his soul that he is graciously showing to the world, like his spirit is dialoguing with world. It’s not that he can’t make up his mind, he wants us, and the world, to understand how deeply conflicted the war/peace thing really is. All those people getting killed over there and all because they don’t have Obamacare and high taxes. The president hates war and just to show his commitment, he’s maybe going to send some stuff from cruise ships instead of battleships, just to show his sensitivity.”

…”OK, thanks, Cynthia. Now Congressman Slade, you’re usually known for being on the hawkish side of things in the Republican Party, but I understand that you might be voting against a strike on Syria? Is that right?”

…”Well, Jason, yeah. Is it worth America getting involved in another war in the Middle East with this Assad guy? Shootin’ some cruise missiles at Damascus and then running for home before the hockey game starts is just gonna piss ’em off even more. I mean, there’s no point in going to war unless we’re prepared to blast the living daylights out of them. This’ll be third time around and we still haven’t got it right. As you know, I’m not usually averse to using some tinpot third-world dictator for target practice for the Navy, but, hell, I mean, those things cost big bucks. How many million a piece? Jeez, didn’t these guys do economics at school? ”

…”Thanks, Jake. And back to you Cynthia, what do you think the president will do if he loses the vote in the House?”

…”He’ll cry. I know it. I know I will. We all do in our heart of hearts. He’s that kind of guy. I just hope the threat of sending those cruise ships over there, with all their horrible food, will be enough to bring peace and happiness to all humankind before the weekend.”

…”Well, Jake, how do you think things will pan out in the coming week?”

…”Tough call, Jason, things don’t look good for the president on the vote thing. Even the guys down at the 44 Magnum bar in Broken Arrow took a vote and turned down a strike. And they all love cruise missiles. I mean, our foreign policy is now a cartoon— ‘Swift Boat Kerry on a Slow Boat to Syria’–gimme a break. The only guy with anything in his pants is that Russian cat, Vlad whatshisname. At least he can shoot a rifle and drive a sub. What can our guy do, ride around on a bike with a plastic hat on from Toytown? It’s a pretty sad state of affairs. An’ I’ll tell yuh another thing, we wouldn’t be in this fix if that chick from Alaska was running the show.”

…”And we’ve run out of time again, folks. Stay tuned for more from ‘Drivel Fest’. I’m Jason Nerdly.”

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